Moving On...

Regrdless of how much dysfunction I was raised in and how much torment I was put through outside of the home, the volume and type of food are solely my responsibility. I know why I ate the way I did and I can't blame anyone else for it. I began dieting on and off at a young age. I remember turning the TV to the exercise channels and trying to follow along. My mother took me to the doctor and I was put on a pasta diet. Don't ask me what the man was thinking. I can remember going on a cabbage diet, etc, etc.

When I was 12 or 13 my mother took me to a nutritionist. I believe that was the most successful weight-loss I'd ever had at that point. I believe I lost about 25-30 lbs. It was a never-ending cycle. Was. Is. I don't know. I just know that nothing worked for me and after I stopped going to the nutritionist because insurance wouldn't pay for it, I gave up for many years.

Fast forward to college and college-food. We all know what that means. Too many choices and not enough discipline. I'm not exactly sure at this point how much I weighed and how much I gained over the course of the 4 years in college. I did begin another nasty habit - smoking - which might have helped to keep the weight down a little bit.

College was an experience I will never forget and its where I met one of my best friends/roommate. But I can't help but wonder what my college experience would have been like if I had been a "normal" teenager. How might things have been different? At this point I'm 18, 19, 20 years old and have never had a boyfriend, never known what it was like for a guy to think I was attractive, to want to be with me. I finished out college with some of the best experiences I'd ever had in my life. I had finally found true friends, I was accepted for who I was and not what I looked like, and I had an education and goals in my life.

But at the same time, as much as I smiled and made believe that being overweight didn't bother me - it always did. Being invisible sucks. Wanting someone and knowing that they would never want you back makes a person feel like dirt. Having people stare at you because you don't look like them cuts deep. Its hard. And no one can understand unless they've been there.